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Relationships Love Language

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Love Language

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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Relationships Love Language ~ How to Deal Effectively With Conflict ~ Featured Resource The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace (August 1, 2011 ~ FEATURED GUEST ~ DR. PAUL WHITE is co-author with Dr. Gary Chapman





"The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace" by Gary Chapman & Paul White



Interview with Gary Chapman & Paul White,
 "The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace"




Appreciation
 The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace




How to Deal Effectively With Conflict 
Dr. Gary Chapman


I have observed a common pattern across many areas that I work (and live) - people avoiding dealing with tense or conflictual situations in their relationships with others. And almost always, not dealing with the situation creates additional problems or makes the conflict larger and more intense (often involving more people than were originally involved).
And it happens in lots of settings:
  • in family businesses, between family members working together
  • in office settings, between coworkers who can't get a long
  • in marriages, between spouses
  • in extended families, between parents-in-law and their children's spouse
  • in schools, between teachers and parents of the students
  • in wealthy families, between siblings who are inheriting wealth
  • and on and on.
Now, I am not going to try to address all the issues relevant to conflict in relationships, that would require a book (or two). But let's look at some core concepts.
First, why do people often try to avoid conflict? I think there are lots of potential reasons, but let's identify a few.
  1. Many people do not like emotionally-charged situations, and they feel if they raise the issue underlying the conflict, emotions will get out of control.
  2. Most people don't like others to act or communicate in an angry way towards them, and will almost anything to avoid this type of interchange.
  3. Some individuals believe that, in conflict, someone must either "be wrong" or have done something wrong, and they don't want to be accused of this.
  4. Most of us, when we have done something wrong, don't like admitting it or apologizing for our error.
The problem is - not dealing with conflict in a situation doesn't make it go away. In fact, frequently, things get worse. When there is tension between two people, or when there is a relational break (that is, the two people are not communicating much at all, if any) - not dealing with the issue creates additional problems, including:
  • Others notice the tension and it makes them feel uncomfortable.
  • Communication between the two individuals becomes minimal and ineffective.
  • Other people get pulled into the conflict, and often begin to "take sides".
  • The people involved in the conflict experience a lot more emotional tension in their lives, with their emotions "building up", and often spilling over into other areas of their lives.
  • The relationship becomes more and more distant, sometimes to the point of total cut-off between the two parties.
Now, I am not suggesting, that if you are in the midst of a conflict in one of your relationships, you should run out and "deal with it". Why? Because most people who have the habit of avoiding conflict don't have very good success at resolving conflictual situations on their own - they don't haven't been practicing how to deal with conflict in their daily lives (we all have it, you know), they have misbeliefs about what should be done ("we just need to sit down and talk it out"), and they may not have the skills to deal with the situation effectively.

So what should you do?

First, take stock of your relationships and see if there are any that currently have significant tension or conflict that is getting in the way. Admit to yourself that there is a relationship that needs attention.

Second, observe how the tension in your relationship is affecting your life and those around you. For you to seriously consider dealing with the situation, you are probably going to need to be convinced that the conflict is creating problems in your life. You may want to ask those close to you in the situation (coworkers, family members) how the tension affects them (don't ask it in a way where you are looking for support for your position in the conflict).

If possible, seek some help from someone who can help you deal with the conflict in the relationship in a positive way. Get some counsel from someone you admire and observe that they seem to be able to address relational tensions in their lives in a healthy way. Sometimes it may be beneficial to talk to a professional counselor, business coach, or facilitator - to help you and the other person meet together to resolve the issues creating the conflict.

Do some reading that can help you grow in dealing with conflicts in your life. Whatever the conflict you are currently experiencing, if you are a habitual "conflict avoider", be assured this will not be the last difficult relational situation you have to deal with - there will be more. So it would be wise to start to grow in your ability to deal with tensions in relationships in a healthy way. There is a great book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most  that a number of my clients have found to be quite helpful in guiding them through tough conversations they needed to have with someone in their life. Additionally, Lewis Smedes has written an excellent book, The Art of Forgiving,  that is also extremely helpful.

I have conflict in relationships in my life (just ask those close to me), and I am still learning how to deal with those tensions in a healthier manner - I think we all can. Let's just commit together to not let tensions in relationships fester to the point where they poison our lives - it will make all of our lives healthier.


FEATURED GUEST:  
DR. PAUL WHITE is co-author with Dr. Gary Chapman on the upcoming The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace (August 1, 2011). He is a psychologist, author, speaker, and consultant who helps make work relationships work. For the past two decades, he has improved numerous businesses, wealthy family estates, schools, and nonprofit organizations by helping them to build healthy relationships, create positive workplace environments, and raising the level of job satisfaction for both employees and volunteers. Dr. White has been an invited speaker on four continents, and has spoken at Princeton University, the Milken Institute, and for numerous national organizations.

For more information, visit DrPaulWhite.com   


FREE OFFICE TOOLS


Learn Your Language



The Five Languages of Appreciation


Communicating appreciation in work-based relationships can be difficult, and ineffective, if you don’t understand the languages and actions that are important to your colleagues.  The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace shows you how to “hit the mark” in encouraging with your coworkers.

Grounded in the conceptual foundations of the NY Times #1 bestselling book by Dr. Chapman, The 5 Love Languages, the ways that appreciation is demonstrated in the workplace can differ significantly from personal relationships. The languages are the same (in name), but their practical application in work-based relationships is quite different. Let us explain each:

Words of Affirmation

Words of Affirmation. Words, both oral and written, can be used to affirm and encourage those around us. Some people prefer personal one-on-one communication, while others value being praised in front of others (but it is important to know that relatively few people like to receive public affirmation in front of a large group.)

Quality Time

Quality Time. Personal, focused time and attention with their supervisor is highly affirming for some. But others enjoy different types of time — “hanging out” with their coworkers, working together as a team on a project, or just having someone take the time to listen to them. And the type of time desired can differ significantly depending on whether it is with colleagues or with their supervisor.

Acts of Service

Acts of Service. Assisting in getting a task done can be extremely encouraging to a colleague. Helping a teammate “dig out” from being behind, working collaboratively on a project that would be difficult to do alone, or just working alongside with them on a task, are all ways to demonstrate appreciation for their efforts.

Tangible Gifts

Tangible Gifts. The key to an effective gift in the workplace is the “thought,” not the amount of money spent. Taking time to notice what your colleagues enjoy (chocolate, coffee, cashews), observing their hobbies and interests (sports, books, crafts) and buying them a small related gift shows that you are getting to know them as a person and understand what is important to them.

Physical Touch

Appropriate Physical Touch. While we acknowledge that physical touch is less important in work-based relationships, and the potential for abuse exists, we still find that appropriate physical touch is meaningful. Usually, it occurs spontaneously and in the context of celebration — a “high five,” fistbump, slap on the back, or congratulatory handshake. To not touch one another at all often leads to a cold, impersonal environment.
What is your unique language of appreciation? Find out by taking the Motivating By Appreciation (MBA) Inventory.








Relationships Love Language ~ How to Deal Effectively With Conflict ~ Featured Resource The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace (August 1, 2011 ~ FEATURED GUEST ~ DR. PAUL WHITE is co-author with Dr. Gary Chapman



Dr Gary Chapman reveals the secrets of a successful relationship.


The Five Love Languages Profile will give you a thorough analysis of your emotional communication preference. It will single out your primary love language, what it means, and how you can use it to connect with your loved one with intimacy and fulfillment.

 

There are five love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

Love Languages Personal Profile @ http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/personal-profiles/?profiletype=wives


Choose One:

Link:
Live Stream Saturday Mornings


Building Relationships Radio
Eastern Time Live Stream Saturday Mornings
11:00 a.m. Eastern Time Live Stream







Five Love Language Feed


A Love Language Minute 


Link:

Primitive Baptists




Monday, July 11, 2011

Relationships Love Language ~ Working Together with Your Spouse ~ Differentiating work roles vs. husband/wife roles ~ Communication patterns and styles ~ Decision-making styles and processes ~ Clarifying roles and responsibilities ~ The issue of "time together" ~ Featured Resource The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace (August 1, 2011) ~ FEATURED GUEST ~ DR. PAUL WHITE is co-author with Dr. Gary Chapman

Working Together


Working Together with Your Spouse
  • Differentiating work roles vs. husband/wife roles
  • Communication patterns and styles
  • Decision-making styles and processes
  • Clarifying roles and responsibilities
  • The issue of "time together"



Working Together with Your Spouse
Dr. Gary Chapman


One of the issues that I deal with almost every week is the challenges associated with spouses working together. (If you do not work together in a business setting, do not "check out" yet - these issues occur for virtually all couples, because you have to "work together" at home - either doing projects, making meals, managing the finances, doing fix-up projects, etc.)

Virtually all couples who work together, in business or just in their combined lives together, seem to face common challenges. Here are some of the most common themes I observe (or experience personally):
Differentiating work roles vs. husband/wife roles.
In work-based relationships (including the delegation of responsibilities at home), the primary focus is on getting tasks done. Now there are lots of different ways of approaching tasks, which leads to different leadership styles, but focusing on tasks is very different than just focusing on one's relationship. Regardless of the authority direction in the work-focused relationship (the wife is in the leadership role of the business, or the husband is taking leadership is a home-based task) - the overlay of work roles and husband/wife roles creates challenges in the combined relationship.

Communication patterns and styles.
If you have two people working together, they will have different thought patterns and communication styles. Add the gender factor, and there are usually even greater differences. Then combine the challenge of living in a wife/husband role (just the relational aspect) with trying to work together to get tasks done. And voila! you have some real obstacles in communicating effectively.

Decision-making styles and processes.
Now we move from trying to talk about what the issues are to actually making a decision. Just like communicating, individuals vary in how they go about making decisions - from very thorough, methodical fact gatherers (who can delay making decisions 'until they have all the facts') to more intuitive, spontaneous decision-makers who 'go with their gut' (which can lead to an interesting ride as they change their decisions based on their most recent feeling). This is probably a core issue that every couple has to come to grips with - how do we make decisions together?

Clarifying roles and responsibilities.
When there are multiple roles for each individual, then there is a higher likelihood of confusion about 'who is supposed to do what.' The wife may manage the monthly finances in the home, but the husband may oversee the financial decisions in the business - but the two overlap. Couples usually figure out each person's roles and responsibilities in the marriage (although there can be tense times when the family goes through life stage transitions). But when one is the leader in the business (it doesn't matter who), and when as a leader he or she makes decisions and assigns tasks - this can create tension in the marriage - most spouses don't like to be told "what to do" in the marriage, and if it is perceived as carrying over into the marital relationship - resentment and resistance can develop.

The issue of "time together".
For many spouses, time together is an important ingredient of a satisfying relationship. But usually, working together on a business task doesn't "count" as time together (at least for the woman, usually - sometimes the guy thinks [and occasionally says] 'but I was with you all day'). And continuing to have work-focused discussions at home (e.g. over dinner) is not viewed as relational time.

Now, most of you who are married are saying to yourselves, "Paul, tell me something I didn't already know - these are true but help me out here. What do we do to deal with these issues?"

Well, for starters, acknowledge the issues that create challenges for you and your spouse.

Secondly, it might be helpful for the two of you to talk about them and hear from each other which issues are most important to each of you.

Third, if these challenges are creating major stress and tension in your relationship, seek out some help. I find that a little time together with couples - helping them identify the major points of tension and develop some strategies and processes can help a lot. A fair amount of my professional time is helping couples work through these issues and to get past "stuck points" (and/or helping them talk about and make difficult decisions together,) It doesn't have to take a long time and can be really beneficial.


FEATURED GUEST:

R. PAUL WHITE is co-author with Dr. Gary Chapman on the upcoming The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace (August 1, 2011). He is a psychologist, author, speaker, and consultant who helps make work relationships work. For the past two decades, he has improved numerous businesses, wealthy family estates, schools, and nonprofit organizations by helping them to build healthy relationships, create positive workplace environments, and raising the level of job satisfaction for both employees and volunteers. Dr. White has been an invited speaker on four continents, and has spoken at Princeton University, the Milken Institute, and for numerous national organizations.

For more information, visit DrPaulWhite.com 
  




The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace



FREE OFFICE TOOLS


Learn Your Language



The Five Languages of Appreciation


Communicating appreciation in work-based relationships can be difficult, and ineffective, if you don’t understand the languages and actions that are important to your colleagues.  The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace shows you how to “hit the mark” in encouraging with your coworkers.

Grounded in the conceptual foundations of the NY Times #1 bestselling book by Dr. Chapman, The 5 Love Languages, the ways that appreciation is demonstrated in the workplace can differ significantly from personal relationships. The languages are the same (in name), but their practical application in work-based relationships is quite different. Let us explain each:

Words of Affirmation

Words of Affirmation. Words, both oral and written, can be used to affirm and encourage those around us. Some people prefer personal one-on-one communication, while others value being praised in front of others (but it is important to know that relatively few people like to receive public affirmation in front of a large group.)

Quality Time

Quality Time. Personal, focused time and attention with their supervisor is highly affirming for some. But others enjoy different types of time — “hanging out” with their coworkers, working together as a team on a project, or just having someone take the time to listen to them. And the type of time desired can differ significantly depending on whether it is with colleagues or with their supervisor.

Acts of Service

Acts of Service. Assisting in getting a task done can be extremely encouraging to a colleague. Helping a teammate “dig out” from being behind, working collaboratively on a project that would be difficult to do alone, or just working alongside with them on a task, are all ways to demonstrate appreciation for their efforts.

Tangible Gifts

Tangible Gifts. The key to an effective gift in the workplace is the “thought,” not the amount of money spent. Taking time to notice what your colleagues enjoy (chocolate, coffee, cashews), observing their hobbies and interests (sports, books, crafts) and buying them a small related gift shows that you are getting to know them as a person and understand what is important to them.

Physical Touch

Appropriate Physical Touch. While we acknowledge that physical touch is less important in work-based relationships, and the potential for abuse exists, we still find that appropriate physical touch is meaningful. Usually, it occurs spontaneously and in the context of celebration — a “high five,” fistbump, slap on the back, or congratulatory handshake. To not touch one another at all often leads to a cold, impersonal environment.

What is your unique language of appreciation? Find out by taking the Motivating By Appreciation (MBA) Inventory.









Relationships Love Language ~ Working Together with Your Spouse ~ Differentiating work roles vs. husband/wife roles ~ Communication patterns and styles ~ Decision-making styles and processes ~ Clarifying roles and responsibilities ~ The issue of "time together" ~ Featured Resource The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace (August 1, 2011 ~ FEATURED GUEST ~ DR. PAUL WHITE is co-author with Dr. Gary Chapman





The Five Love Languages Profile will give you a thorough analysis of your emotional communication preference. It will single out your primary love language, what it means, and how you can use it to connect with your loved one with intimacy and fulfillment.

 

There are five love languages:


1. Words of Affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

Love Languages Personal Profile @ http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/personal-profiles/?profiletype=wives



Choose One:

Link:
Live Stream Saturday Mornings


Building Relationships Radio
Eastern Time Live Stream Saturday Mornings
11:00 a.m. Eastern Time Live Stream







Five Love Language Feed


A Love Language Minute 


Link:

Primitive Baptists






Relationships Love Language ~ JESUS Enters Jerusalem ~ Holy Week ~ Jesus Washes the Disciples’ Feet

Relationships Love Language ~ JESUS Enters Jerusalem ~ Holy Week ~ Jesus Washes the Disciples’ Feet
Jesus Washes the Disciples’ Feet ~ Last Supper. The Passover with the Disciples. Institution of the Lord’s Supper. Judas to Betray Jesus. Matthew 26, Mark 14, Luke 22 ESV. Jesus Washes the Disciples’ Feet. ....12 When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, "Do you understand what I have done to you? 13 You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. 14 If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. 15 For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you....John 13:1-20 ESV.Christ Reasoning with Peter, by Giotto di Bondone (Cappella Scrovegni a Padova).

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Tuesday, February 8, 2011~ Relationships Love Language ~ Biblical Inspiration ~ The Inspirational